


The Seam on the Baseball

by mechafly



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Dating other people, Divorces, Entire lives lived, Friendship, Gay Politics, Growing Old Together, Growing Up Together, My Little Baseball: Friendship is Magic, Tajima!sexuality, Team Dynamics, The Future, friendship before romance, marriages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-31 01:23:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3959134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mechafly/pseuds/mechafly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Going through life as Tajima and Hanai.</p><p>--</p><p>"Then, we had sex. I mean, we fucked. I mean, he fucked me." Silence. Tajima adds, "With his dick."</p><p>"Tajima, what the hell?!"</p><p>Tajima observes his reaction calmly, even a little blankly. "What?"</p><p>But Hanai doesn't know which question to ask first. His brain stutters to a halt. "Are you joking around with me right now?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Confession

Hanai is used to Tajima being annoyed, overly sexed and totally without self-consciousness. There was the time he caught Tajima jerking off in the communal shower during camp ("there was nowhere else to go! I'm desperate, dude! Just hold a sec, I'm nearly done aaah--"), the time Tajima had whipped off Hanai's swimming shorts and discussed his dick loudly until Hanai had retrieved the shorts and tried to strangle him ("HEY you'd think it'd be way bigger than mine since your body's so much bigger but I think they're about the same--"), the time Tajima had held court to the Discussion of Sexual Fantasies and Masturbation Techniques ("You know what always gets me off, 100%? Imagining upside down sex, in a tree, dangling like Tarzan--") as Hanai liked to call it.

But this felt different. He and Tajima ended up spending a lot of time together, not out of special design on Hanai's part (he generally got along with Sakaeguchi, Suyama, even Abe better) but just because if Tajima wanted his time, Hanai would usually end up giving it. He'd visited Tajima's insanely loud, rambunctious family for dinner ("So that's where you get it from,") and Tajima had visited his, screaming about how lucky Hanai was to have his own room and upending all the surfaces to find the porn magazines ("You. Will. Find. Nothing."). Sometimes Tajima begged for a study session together because of a test tomorrow that he was totally gonna fail dude unless you help seriously Coach is gonna murder me and they'd spend a whole evening poring over textbooks in Hanai's room, Hanai in full lecturing and tutoring mode ("You know I kind of like serious tutor Hanai with the cute glasses, hehehe,"). 

He's not sure what to do with the attention. Where is it coming from? Is it the natural result of their rivalry as the two best batters on the team? Is it because he's the Captain and Tajima just craves some kind of authority? Are they actually just naturally good friends, despite the fact that they spend most of their time in conflict? But mostly, Hanai doesn't have the time, what with the schoolwork, the gruelling training and his captain duties, to sweat these kinds of questions.

 

 

 

 

But this feels different. Tajima dutifully does all his homework, in incredibly messily handwriting and without really paying attention, but at least it's all finished. Hanai actually sighs with relief at not having to cajole and pull Tajima screaming through his schoolwork, which is almost as tough on Hanai as it is on Tajima. But he's uneasy.

"Hey," Tajima says, all serious with a game-face on, though maybe Hanai's misreading and it's just his natural pensiveness. He can't tell with Tajima; they're not that close yet, maybe they never will be. "Last week, the beach trip." Hanai nods, asks how it was. Wondering if they're getting to the point of what feels so off about Tajima, like something tense and impending is coming. Does he just want to get something off his chest, Hanai thinks. "I, ah, I was messing around in the locker rooms." Hanai is ready to yell at him, but he continues. "Not like that! I mean I was just hanging around. Looking for my cap, I couldn't find it anywhere. Anyway…" Tense like the moment before a pitch comes sailing at him, but then he grins suddenly, all boyish old Tajima on his nearly-adult face. "I kind of hooked up with someone?"

"Oh." Hanai doesn't know how to react, more surprised by Tajima's own apprehensiveness lurking somewhere below the surface, for all that he's grinning too-bright, too-wide. "You um--" No idea what he's about to say. 

"So, anyway, I was in the locker room, and I started talking to this guy. Old. Like, Momokan's age." Twenties, then, Hanai corrects with an annoyed grin. Momoe's only twenty-five this year but to Tajima, everyone out of high school is old. "And uh, he started hitting on me. And then he got down and sucked me off. I was actually kind of surprised, I even came in his mouth, and then--" Ignoring Hanai's sudden tiny protesting shriek. "Then, we had sex. I mean, we fucked. I mean, he fucked me." Silence. Tajima adds, "With his dick."

"Tajima, what the hell?!"

Tajima observes his reaction calmly, even a little blankly. "What?"

But Hanai doesn't know which question to ask first. His brain stutters to a halt. "Are you joking around with me right now?" 

Tajima delivers a, "Nope," in such an honest and cheerful fashion that Hanai zooms straight past all the enormous confusion and into the real questions. But there's so many of them that he just splutters. Tajima actually has the temerity to launch into a full body fit of laughter at Hanai's expression.

"Why are you telling me this?" Hanai splutters finally.

"Who else would I tell?" Tajima's giving him that weird intense look he sometimes gets. Hanai never knows what he's thinking. He gulps though logically he can see the point, imagining Izumi or Mizutani getting the wrong idea, or Tajima's own family flipping out. Mihashi, admittedly Tajima's best friend, would have gone catatonic.

"Well, okay, I'm glad. Why-Why did you even… do it?" Hanai imagines scenario after scenario, brain wincing at the idea of dicks having anything to do with each other, but he can clearly see Tajima--stupid, seventeen-year-old Tajima who is short and slight and slender even as much as he's well-built and strong as anything--with this anonymous older figure who keeps changing in Hanai's head, from some creeply old predator to some shiny super handsome dude. He's assuming Tajima hasn't done this before, judging by the way Tajima seems confused at himself about what's happened. Then he's realising Tajima is underage and he's feeling of all things protective over Tajima of all people and he realises he's going to have to hunt down this perverted twenty-something and kill him. Stupid, stupid Tajima, he thinks, starting to freak out at all the questions he has no idea how to ask, should be asking--

"Because," Tajima babbles cheerfully. "Lately when I jerk off I can't shoot from just the usual kind of stuff so I read about this technique, basically putting fingers up your butt and it--I mean, it's good, it works--so I was curious--" Once again ignoring Hanai's desperate squeak of protest. "But you know, with the guy, it was different…. but I liked it," Tajima murmurs thoughtfully.

Hanai thinks he'll never understand a guy like Tajima. He knows Tajima's messed around with a couple of girls before, nothing serious and all boasted about to the team the day after, but who just has--does--that just because of curiosity?Hanai can't even say it aloud in his own head. But there's also relief, that it's just Tajima, doing weird crazy things (though admittedly this takes the cake over base steals) for the sake of it, and nothing more sinister. 

Then the details catch up and Hanai thinks his head might explode. "You're gay?!"

"Hm? Nah, I like girls." A salacious grin.

"Not that I care--it doesn't matter--"

"I still jerk off thinking about hot girls and big tits so--" 

Hanai shuts him up quickly. "Okay, okay, fine, none of my business anyway. But, um," bright red, but remembering he's an adult, and the captain of a damn baseball team, "did you use a condom? This is serious, you can catch diseases and stuff." From having anonymous gay sex in public locker rooms, Hanai thinks wincingly, and immediately tries to scrub this out of his mind.

"Yeah," Tajima scrubs a hand through his own hair. "He had a whole string of five in his wallet. Akamatsu brand extra-strong super intensity with added lube. The green packet ones."

Now Hanai's back to cringing at the full-colour full-body images he's getting just from that tiny detail. And he's looking at Tajima and feeling weirdly protective again, a totally incongruous feeling when it comes to Tajima, who for all his pint-sized freckles and cuteness is significantly tougher than Hanai. And he has no idea what to do, what to say, how to deal with this sudden expansion of the world as he knows, but he's an adult or damn well near enough, so he's just going to have to figure it out, because Tajima's his friend.

And Tajima, as if he understand everything Hanai's thinking, just grins at him, all cocky and sure and achingly familiar. Exactly like the smile he gives the dugout when he's up to bat, when he knows he can hit the ball but he needs their support anyway--except now it's just aimed at Hanai, at the two of them, their friendship, Tajima's belief in him, his belief in Tajima too maybe.

No, this has been a weird evening, but Hanai isn't going to let Tajima down.


	2. Normal

Then there's the time after that when Hanai is in the shower and Tajima comes bouncing over. Not that Hanai minds at all about sharing a naked shower with his team-mate who just last week trusted him with the information that he's gay--or considering it--or something--but it's Tajima, so of course he can't keep a lid on himself. He's staring openly at Hanai's dick. Hanai glares at him frustratedly but Tajima doesn't even notice, "How big is yours?" It takes some effort not to strangle Tajima in the shower and make a break for it instead. 

There's an endlessly long school term, all homework and practice crammed in before class, after class, discussions of baseball or more likely exhausted naps during lunch, and even Hanai hunkers down in the back row and has a stealthy nap on their Friday afternoon maths lesson because seriously. And then there's cram sessions and study sessions galore to make up for all of it. 

So it is one lunchtime. "Where's the others?" Tajima comes up to him alone, eyeing Hanai's lunch (Hanai puts a protective arm over it), even though he spends most of his lunch with Mihashi and Izumi because they're all in the same class and get along well enough to occupy themselves. 

"Sleeping," Tajima shrugs, and steals an egg roll with the awesome stealth that makes his name in games. 

Hanai groans. They get up in order for Tajima to go and buy some food and end up eating out the back of the school, where the sun's bright and incredibly hot and their ice-cold bottled tea tastes amazing. The view of the back fields and picturesque streets outside the school gates doesn't hurt either. Hanai finishes his lunch and actually feels relaxed and sleepy, and is idly checking the time to see if he can fit in a ten-minute snooze when he notes Tajima staring at him. The intense stare.

"We eat the same amount, don't we?" 

Hanai nods uncertainly. "Yeah. Actually I think you eat a little more."

"But you're so big and heavy," Tajima exclaims. Hanai wants to protest that he's not fat, thank you very much, but Tajima goes on. "And I'm not even growing as much as Mihashi! It's unfair!" Hanai wants to protest, but Tajima's mood seems to change and he grins slyly over at him. "But then, I do like tall guys."

"Hey, you told me you hate tall guys." Tajima doesn't seem to remember, blankly chewing a whole riceball in his mouth at once. "Remember? After the Tousei match? You told me you hate tall guys!"

"Oh! I remember. I hate tall guys in baseball. Not for, you know, other stuff." Hanai tells himself that Tajima's creepy/perverted grin is not going where it feels like it's going. "I actually had a dream about you the other day." Hanai doesn't know if he wants Tajima to go on so he doesn't say anything. "It was… You, um…" Tajima looks excited and flush-faced, and licks his lips (whether because he's eating or for more perverted reasons, Hanai doesn't want to know). He keeps sneaking glances at Hanai's face and then grinning even wider. There's a rice grain on his chin. "Let's just say I came!"

"Tajima!"

"Okay, when I said it was a dream, I lied. I was actually just jerking off and you popped into my head."

"Tajima!"

"Oh man, your face. What? Don't be embarassed! You should be flattered, it's only cause you're so tall and muscly and, you know, sexy." Tajima gestures a hand up at Hanai in general.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell me you don't see it! You have, like, at least five girls in our year hoping to confess to you at some point and thinking you've noticed them." Tajima cackles at Hanai's expression. "Are you seriously telling me you haven't? Dude, come on, get in the game! You have that, you know, Rei Ichiguro look you know?" The top pro baseball play in the region, a huge musclehead with extremely good looks. Hanai has no idea what Tajima is talking about. "Dude, seriously? Have you looked in a mirror lately? You're totally ripped, and your shoulders are like…" Tajima's making these expansive gestures with his hands again and Hanai's just staring at him in confusion. Tajima shakes his head, grinning. "Anyway, you should be flattered. I have the best taste."

"You're an idiot," Hanai splutters, trying to wrap his mind around this latest series of revelations and failing utterly. 

"Don't be so embarrassed. I won't tell anyone." He reflects mutinously that it's Tajima who should be embarrassed, who should be begging Hanai not to tell everyone what a weirdo he is, but instead it's Hanai who's embarassed. Though he is pretty embarassed if even half of what Tajima's saying about these girls Hanai's never seen before and this Ichiguro stuff is true. And he supposed that everyone already knows what a huge perverted freak Tajima is, even if they don't know specifically about his brand new adventures in gayness. 

"You j--" Hanai can't even say You jerked off thinking about me without his face feeling like it's on fire, as if saying it will be acknowledging it or making it real in some way. Tajima prosaically munches on another riceball. Hanai makes a strangled noise. What exactly was Tajima thinking about in this jerking off fantasy, and does Hanai want to know? What if it's strange and disturbing and Hanai can never bleach it from his mind? Unfortunately Tajima is too good (courtesy of being Mihashi's best friend) at reading body language and answers his unspoken question.

"I was thinking about batting practice. You were next to me and we were trying to bat in some long field hits. You hit this home run, like, effortlessly. I stopped and just watched you do it. The ball went flying forever. It was a really hot day. Then we went into the outfield and had sex. It was nasty," Tajima says with a sunny grin.

"You're seriously insane," Hanai says with a mixture of relief and amusement at the weird fantasy. There's something safe about the very outrageousness of the idea of mixing baseball practice with sex that sets Hanai at ease. As long as he's not thinking about, you know, he thinks, but then realises he doesn't know. What he means. 

Tajima laughs. "I'm just a healthy male!"

It's only when he's heading home after practice that the blood rushes to his head as he remembers it all over again. Tajima thinks about having sex with him (as do, apparently, a significant number of girls in his classes, but at least he doesn't know who they are and have to look them in the face with that knowledge). Tajima's fantasies are the most wild, outrageous, ridiculous fantasies, but still. Tajima has jerked off thinking about having sex with Hanai. He's thought about Hanai's body, he's thought about doing stuff with Hanai. Intimate sexy stuff. Intimate stuff that he's actually done with a real life man, at least once, maybe more if he didn't feel like telling Hanai after the first time, if it just became normal after that and he does it all the time now. Hanai has no idea.

And yet it's not something simple and understandable like saying that Tajima has a crush on him, like he'd explain it if it were a girl involved, because it's Tajima. It's just how he thinks, there are no boundaries and lines between the different parts of his life, no embarrassments, no shame. It was just a harmless little fantasy, that much is obvious from Tajima's total lack of shame and even his amusement about it when he told Hanai. And the fact that he told Hanai. 

But it still puts him off kilter. Hanai's never had a male friend tell him something like that before. He knows it's not a normal thing to say to a friend. But then, he resigns himself thinking, that's just Tajima. And despite all his crazy foibles, Hanai does actually kind of like the guy and want him to be happy. In his total weirdness. So. He's just going to accept it and not think about it. Yep.

It's only that night with his hand around his dick thinking about something totally different (definitely not summer, grass under his feet, sending a ball flying over the trees) that he realises he never told Tajima to stop thinking about him like that. Which means Tajima's probably going to do it again, because Tajima always chooses the most annoying, troublesome, insane option. He realises he should tell Tajima to stop, tomorrow. He doesn't want to hurt Tajima's feelings (though he doesn't think Tajima's feelings can get hurt). And wouldn't it be more awkward to bring it up when they've already had the conversation, when they're surrounding by team-mates and classmates and friends and family every moment of the day?

He comes thinking about lightning in a summer sky and an anonymous girl in just her panties, skin and sweat. Normal fantasies, nothing out of the ordinary. He's not like Tajima, he thinks that night, wiping his hands on some tissues and discarding the evidence, then lying back down with a sigh and an arm over his eyes. He doesn't need to do it all the time, just to keep himself functional. He doesn't need anything nasty or unusual to get himself going, either. Hanai's just… a normal guy.


	3. Autumn

They have a practice game against a team in Gunma prefecture. Not Mihoshi, but another team who're interested in Nishiura after their winning record in the last two tournaments. Which means a long coach ride, and shared hotel rooms, and lots of late night talks when they're all too keyed up to sleep and end up trolling Abe and Mihashi's room, because Tajima went there to hang out with Mihashi, and Hanai followed him, and then Sakaeguchi and Suyama appeared looking for Hanai, and Izumi and Mizutani showed up wondering where the party was at, and then Hanai was obliged to go and get Oki and Nishihiro as well because apparently it really was a party. They talked about everything from boobs to base steals until Abe finally lost his patience and kicked everyone out because "Mihashi needs his sleep or he's gonna wear himself out tomorrow!" and Hanai had to be the sensible adult and actually make everyone go instead of tying Abe up and leaving him in the closet like Tajima was suggesting ("We can overpower him! Nine to one, right Mihashi?")

Now back in their room, Tajima is crackling with a weird kind of intensity, too much energy for so late in the night. Tajima apparently doesn't require sleep because he rolls around on his bed next to Hanai's bed, making a huge amount of noise and every so often airing his thoughts to the world.

"Abe is annoying."

Hanai agrees with this statement sleepily and tries to get back to sleep. He can feel Tajima looking at him though. He remembers Tajima's confession--or whatever you'd call it--from earlier and feels his cheeks heating up (less than at first because he's had plenty of time and agonised worrying to get used to the idea).

"And the way he's always yelling at Ren, treating him like a kid."

"He's not as bad as he was," Hanai says loyally, rolling over trying to get comfortable, and wondering why they're having this old discussion at midnight in a random hotel in Gunma the day before a game. Tajima is still looking at him.

"I'm gonna go jerk off."

Tajima's already out the door and to the bathroom by the time Hanai sits up with a jerk of surprise. There's only a swinging door and silence, and Hanai thinking, at least he had the courtesy to go to the bathroom to do it. He doesn't know why he's suddenly thinking about Tajima lying back on his own bed and twisting a hand around his dick, only a couple feet away from him. Maybe even directing that intense stare his way.

He's asleep by the time Tajima comes back.

 

 

It's their final autumn tournament and Hanai is haunted through every single match by the fact that Tajima seems to flirting with him and nobody else has noticed a thing.

There's the moment went Tajima takes a bat from him and winks at him. The moment when he whispers in Hanai's ear about the catcher's calls for their next at-bat, a little too close, breathing setting a buzz in Hanai's ear. The way he jumps Hanai on the bench when Hanai hits a triple, eyes gleaming. The way he doesn't get off Hanai for a good minute until coach yells at him to go and be base coach. Not that Tajima would ever let anything distract from a game -- the very idea is laughable. But there's something in all these looks, maybe?

He looks up and finds Tajima looking away, back at the field instead of where he was looking, which was right at Hanai.

There's the same tension, the same desire to one-up each other, the same way Tajima ignores him and yet seems to always be watching him, the way they react to each other when the attention of the game shifts from one of them to the next, the way Tajima's envy is totally unselfconscious and admiring. He has to envy the guy, Hanai thinks.

After the game, in which Tajima bats in the impossible-to-hit fastball and hits the game-winning double, there's the usual post-game chaos. Cheer groups, schoolmates, parents, the fans, the other team, his team, the coach, recovery, stretches, showers, changing, water, heated discussions, friendly greetings.

Tajima greets him in the dugout with a prizewinning grin.

 

But then in the sixth round of the tournament they lose in a called game in the seventh inning against Senda. It's a bitter defeat. Hanai hits well but it's not good enough. Tajima manages to hit grounders but nothing better. Neither of them are happy about it, losing when Mihashi had pitched a near-perfect game, when everyone had worked so hard to get this far. They don't even get further than they did last summer. How are they going to reach Koshien if things are like this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Home after faces swollen with useless tears.

Tajima is holding him down and seems to be trying to strangle him. Hanai has never seen him this angry. He's not even a little scared; Tajima might be strong, but Hanai is stronger. He flips them over and lets Tajima's skull thump against the floor. Now he's giving Hanai an angry dazed, look. "I don't know why I bother with you," Tajima snarls, trying to claw at his face and kick him in the stomach at the same time. Hanai grabs Tajima's arms and pins him and Tajima actually growns at him. Hanai's blood is boiling. Tajima always been impertinent, a brat, arrogant, an annoyance, a bother, when exactly did he think things had changed?

"Stop it."

Tajima growls and keeps struggling, trying to wriggle from Hanai's grasp, and nearly succeeding. "I said stop it. QUIT ACTING LIKE SUCH A FUCKING KID." Years and years of hard training and muscle means that they could probably seriously harm each other. And Tajima's not thinking straight. Hanai's barely keeping a lid on it himself, frustration growing, only the thought of the dire divine wrath of Coach if they turn up tomorrow with black eyes or worse--injuries--stopping him from kicking Tajima's face in.

Tajima actually stops. Freezes, staring at Hanai's face like he's shocked. His expression agitated, eyes intense. Hanai's clamping Tajima's bony wrists too hard, hard enough to break his wrists if he moves the wrong way, Hanai scared he's shoring up his strength for one final push. Later they'll find bruises in the exact shape of Hanai's large palms on Tajima's skinny wrists, and Tajima valiantly resolves to keep his gloves on after icing the bruises for an hour to no effect, but Momoe will notice anyway, and gives them both an agitated and, worse, disappointed talking-to. "What caused this?" she'll begin, direct as always, and Hanai will mumble and shuffle and duck his head, and Momoe will look at him in clear anger and disgust until Tajima yells that it's all his fault and he's the one to blame, and she tells them both that if it ever happens again, they're off the team, and she's only letting them off because they've made up. Hanai actually cries in the bathroom afterwards. And then later, a private talk with Momoe, and she's out of coaching gear and looks so much younger and unsure, asking if everything is actually alright and that she didn't think they were bad kids and what can she do now? And then, even Mihashi looks at Hanai with something like anger.

But for now, Tajima jerks full body against Hanai silently and Hanai realises to his horror that he, Hanai, has an erection. He's pulling off Tajima a second later, but Tajima comes after him, grabbing his shoulders, grabbing his arm. The two of them tussle briefly on the floor. Then Tajima grabs ahold of Hanai's belt and starts undoing it and Hanai freezes in shock. He's sitting with Tajima looming over him, serious and silent. His erection is actually painful. He has no idea what's about to happen whether he wants it to happen whether he should say something and Tajima doesn't even look at his face for a second, just starts… starts… Hanai jumps in surprise but Tajima just grabs his dick more firmly and keeps…. And starts... Hanai can't bear to look at him so he looks away around at his room, his bed a foot away, the lamplight shining through the window, the baseball posters on the walls. It's deathly quiet except for the muffled sound of what Tajima's doing and Hanai's own panicked breathing. He can't see Tajima's face, just his head doing… And it feels like way too much and Hanai has a panicked orgasm right into Tajima's mouth. The fact that Tajima actually swallows--protractedly--the resulting mess is almost more shocking than the act itself. He wipes his mouth afterward and sits back on his heels, not looking at Hanai. He looks kind of bored, kind of solemn. Not anything like the panic and terror that must be screaming from Hanai's face.

Hanai tucks himself back into his pants and zips up his flyer, as if he's suddenly embarrassed by his nakedness.

There's a long silence filled with their slow breathing.

"Sorry," Tajima says shortly, not looking at him. Hanai splutters as Tajima gets up and searches for his schoolbag (by the door) and jacket (in a crumpled heap by the desk). For some reason Hanai is fixated on Tajima's socks. They're bright orange and stripy. Kid's socks. For some reason this just seems very Tajima to him. He's terrified Tajima's going to say something.

It felt good. Hanai's head feels like it's going to explode.

Maybe they should just pretend it didn't happen?

Tajima stands expectantly by the door. Hanai's still sitting in a daze on the floor. "I'll go home now."

Hanai walks him to the front door. Tajima shouts a friendly goodbye to Hanai's mother who exclaims, 'It's so late in the evening, you can't be leaving now surely???' Hanai finally notices Tajima's untucked shirt, rumpled hair, flushed face, his bright eyes, his mouth… They look like they just had a fight. Tajima gives him one last, long glance which seems to mean everything and nothing. Hanai's never thought this before: that he rarely knows what Tajima's thinking. Oh, he's always talking. But Hanai thinks there's way more Tajima doesn't talk about. Tajima leaves on his bike, simple as that, like it's any other night. Hanai goes to his room, cleans up, eats dinner. It's almost like it never even happened.


	4. Doing Something

It's a practise game. They shouldn't taking it as seriously as they are, but it's winter of their final year, the final stretch to the championship they've been dreaming of and daydreaming of all these years. It could be the Koshien finals for the way they're all so quiet, angrily determined as the match is about to begin. Momoe just gives them all a firm nod, mouth pressed into a line.

Hanai bats in a triple, fields well, then bats in a home run with bases loaded. He has a terrible habit (and it's all coach's fault, too) of looking at Tajima first whenever he bats well. Tajima is giving him a scarily intense look, not his usual declarations of awesomeness at all. He looks away, terrified he's done something wrong, then shakes his head. He it a fucking home run on the pitcher's terrifying and screwy curveballs. The achievement shouldn't be at all diminished just because Tajima doesn't give him a pat on the back afterwards. He's not that reliant on one guy, one guy who bats cleanup but can't hit home runs, has never hit one in the time Hanai has known him, his batting average may be higher but Hanai just bat in four runs and Tajima could never do that.

It's an assured win after that. They have a game meeting, and Momoe gives him the extra special nod of having done a job well (instead of the knowing smile she gives him whenever he fails, which he gets more often than he'd like, even now), and then they head home. 

"Help me with the stats test?" Tajima asks him as they're about to split paths on the way home. Hanai nods without even thinking about it, and then waits while Tajima sends Mihashi off with an extra-long pep talk about what a great job he did today, Mihashi blushing and nodding and screwing up his eyes in pleasure like a little kid. (Those two are weird. Even if he's grateful to have them, Hanai thinks in fond resignation.)

"Well done today," Tajima tells him when they're alone. Hanai predictably feels himself melt, even though he'd promised himself he would let Tajima get to him.

But when they get to the door of the room, Tajima's giving him that intense look again. 

"I really do need help with that stats test," Tajima admits. "But… can I stay over after?"

Hanai thinks he's acting crazy. 

Tajima kisses him wordlessly the minute they're about to go to sleep: showered, futon rolled out, pyjamas on. Hanai doesn't know how to react so he kisses him back. Tajima drags him closer. He tastes like mint and a bitter male taste. Things proceed until Hanai thinks (so much as he is thinking) that he might get a repeat of that other day. He's avoided thinking about it studiously, but. But it was good. Tajima rests his forehead on Hanai's chest as he palms Hanai's dick, so that all Hanai can see is messy, scrawly hair, a kid's hair. Then Tajima pulls away, gives him that intense stare, and lays down two objects out of the nowhere between them.

"What… I…" Hanai goes red from embarassment (and general arousal). 

"Come on." 

And that's all Tajima seems to have to say on the subject before he's tearing the foil of the first object then staring impatiently at Hanai's… at Hanai's belt. Hanai undoes it, fumbling with the buckle under Tajima's stare. And then Tajima pulls his dick out and rubs it up and down mechanically, like he's giving himself one of his twice-a-day routine climaxes or something. Whatever. Hanai gets really, really hard, and then Tajima shoves the condom on with one fist and rolls it down with the other. Hanai has never even seen a condom up close before. Then it gets messy because Tajima spends ages rubbing clear slick stuff from the other object all over his trussed up dick. And it's a weird sensation through the latext, lukewarm and slippery and kind of good. 

It takes ages to get inside Tajima. First he rolls over onto his knees and Hanai feels like calling the whole thing off because he's… looking at Tajima's ass and has no idea what to do. So Tajima looks slyly at him over his shoulder and reaches back with a hand on Hanai's hip to pull him closer. He struggles to get inside this place that he has never really thought about before, it's kind of pink and hairy and blood-hot. Tajima has to actually hold his dick in place at the same time as Hanai pushes down as hard as he can, like a super co-ordinated play. And then it's--way too tight. Maybe because Tajima's a small guy, he doesn't know. The slick helps with that, so Hanai manages to get it all in by fits and starts. It feels scary. He can tell Tajima's holding himself as still as he can so that Hanai can do this. And it feels just, way too tight, like a vice strangling his dick. Is this supposed to feel good? He hopes this isn't what it's like with girls.

And then Hanai just pauses. Is he supposed to…? He's never… He's probably looked at a porno of this but never closely enough to actually think about… and then… He's distracted by Tajima rocking himself back and forth on Hanai's dick, which is unexpectedly hot and tight in a way that rubs against every nerve in his dick and--makes Hanai do it again. And again. He's doesn't really think much after this, just chases the sensation, essentially pumping Tajima's ass, just like out of a porno. He's breathing heavily and holding Tajima still because he keeps writhing around and throwing Hanai's rhythm--he comes like twenty thrusts later, gritting his teeth.

All he remembers after that is lying back, head fuzzy, and Tajima's hand on his dick making him jump, but Tajima just slides off the condom and wanders off somewhere. 

 

 

Hanai is forced to act normal all the way through the morning ritual of brushing his teeth, changing his clothes, eating breakfast, packing a bento, getting to the practice ground, all with Tajima. He's forced to act normal through meditation, Tajima's paw a little tight in his. He's forced to act normal throughout batting practice, running practise, fitness practise. He's forced to act normal when Momoe waves him over and asks him if Tajima's okay.

"Seems okay to me," he says, trying for serious-captain-mode and only partly succeeding.

Momoe crosses her arms thoughtfully. "I thought so too, but as a coach I can't really be sure. Since you're the captain, will you keep an eye on him?"

"Yes, ma'am." 

"He studied over with you yesterday, right?" Hanai has no idea how she finds these things out. He's forced to act normal as he nods again. 

"Well, that's good, make sure he's keeping on top of his grades. Maybe see if everything's okay with his family. The last thing this team needs is for that boy to self-destruct. And it would be a shame to lose his cheerful presence, don't you think, Hanai?" She's giving him her wistful/sad/serious smile she has when she's lamenting about how they're All Grown Up and Soon the Fleeting Days of High School Baseball Will Be Over Forever. He fails to act normal as he nods with his face bright red and is dismissed. 

He thinks, as he makes his way back to the team, that he's not doing something bad to Tajima, is he, all of these things? It's all been Tajima asking him, when it's the two of them and their admittedly already strange friendship, and Hanai feels like it would be worse to say no. He might have a selfish say in the matter, too.


	5. Spring

Hanai bats in a home run in the second game of the Spring tournament. The feeling of pleasure of running, watching that ball go way, way up, is almost sexual, somehow mixed in with Tajima's intense stare and they'd had sex. His gaze swings around almost automatically when he gets back to the dugout, but Tajima's up to bat and Hanai doesn't get to see him.

Until Tajima gets himself invited back to Hanai's and he's all showered and rocking back on his heels on the foot of Hanai's bed.

"Oh," Hanai stops short. "You want to…" They stare at each other. "Fine. Okay."

Because part of him thinks that they've done it now, and it'll always be something he did, had sex with his best friend when they were kids. And if they've done it, it doesn't seem so wrong to do it again, not so unfamiliar. Not so weird to climb on the bed and let Tajima pull him down with all that strength in his wiry arms. Actually kind of hot to be rolling all over the bed kissing like they're doing. It's hot and silent and Tajima's got kind of a small mouth, not something Hanai's ever thought about before, feels kind of good to slip his tongue in there, tastes almost familiar. Although, Tajima's mostly naked, and it's weird to feel his erect dick bumping against Hanai's hip. Hanai kind of doesn't want to see it, which doesn't really make sense, but there. Tajima pulls away with a huge breath and kisses Hanai's jaw, hands all over him, tugging off Hanai's shirt.

They get naked hastily. The routine is a bit less alien now and when Hanai gets inside Tajima, Tajima's whole body (freckled in places and dark all over, like he's been lying naked in the sun for hours) arches under him, and Tajima makes this tiny little noise. And the act itself feels way, way better than Hanai remembers. Amazing, even. Sinking into the body underneath him, pulling back out and doing it again. Tajima gets kind of noisy so Hanai hushes him and Tajima actually presses his face into the pillow. Hanai tries to go slow to make it last but then he realises Tajima's got an arm bent, hand at his… Jerking himself off. Body shaking. It shouldn't be hot but it's kind of hot. All of its tight and blood-hot, makes his dick feel huge when he comes shaking apart. 

Tajima jerks himself off and then lies there staring at him. 

"Hm?" Hanai's pretty sleepy. And the last thing he wants is to talk about it.

"Nothing," Tajima murmurs, and falls asleep on the bed right in front of him. Hanai can't be bothered to move him.


	6. A Trip

Hanai gets a call from Tajima on Sunday morning. He's not even really awake yet. 

"So uh," Tajima begins. "Hey Captain."

He knows Tajima only calls him captain as a joke. "What."

Tajima chuckles a bit. Uneasily. "My um. I was with a guy yesterday and the condom broke? So now I have to go to the hospital for a checkup."

For a second Hanai's so shocked he doesn't know what to think. "It's the spring tournament!"

"I know."

"How did you even find time to--?" He can hear Tajima grinning on the end. "Ugh. Tajima."

He hears a rueful chuckle of Tajima. "Yeah." When they don't say anything further. "So I'm going to Saitama Prefectural today. At three. Are you free?"

"At three? Yeah," he sighs.

 

 

 

 

The hospital is kind of scary. It's just like any other hospital, teal floors and white walls with an air of desolation clinging to the place, and overly clean, but it's scary being there just on his own. With his best friend. Who may or may not have AIDS. Or HIV. Hanai doesn't really know much about all of this.

It strikes him, as Tajima leads the way, totally silent, that people are going to think he's… That they're… And the thought should embarrass him enough to walk away and let Tajima just do this on his own. On the other hand, he's Tajima's best friend, so who cares? There's also the fact that they do… that they have… at some time or another, had sex. So maybe those assumptions aren't that far off.

The clinic where they sit and wait is totally scary. Hanai can't even imagine for a second letting Tajima do this on his own. What if Tajima has some kind of disease? Will he still be able to play baseball? Media images of AIDS victims running through his head. What if Tajima gets really, really sick? What if he can't go to college? What if he dies?

He's kind of freaking out himself, and it's Tajima who seems to be reassuring him more than the other way around. He gives Hanai that 'keep it steady' fierce look that he's definitely learnt off Coach Momoe because it looks awfully familiar.

They get taken into a doctor's clinic and the doctor asks a whole bunch of private questions about Tajima's sex life, every detail, how many, how recently, why are you here today, while Tajima just sits there and answers like they're talking about a stranger's sex life, not his own. Hanai feels himself going red, should he leave or…? The doctor wants to know who Hanai is, Tajima says he's a friend. Then the doctor draws a bunch of blood out of Tajima's arm and--as if handling a hazardous material--puts it into like three different layers of protecting material, while wearing gloves. Then he gives Tajima a slip with a phone number and bids them goodbye.

"I have to call them in a couple days," Tajima reads off the slip. "To get the results."

They walk back through the hospital corridors. It's all adults here, sick adults, dying adults, adults worrying about their relatives, adults waiting for bad news. Death. It's not something Hanai thought he'd have to be facing quite so soon, but there it is: they're adults. 

"That was scary," Hanai tells him

"It was," Tajima admits, poking the little cotton wool pad over where the doctor drew blood. He doesn’t have to say that it won't happen again.

 

 

 

 

There's a game on Monday. They win, barely, a tough victory through various near-defeats.

They go back to Hanai's house and take the call together. 

"Negative," Tajima's saying. "That's good right? Or is that bad?"

"That's good," Hanai is pretty sure. 

"Great," Tajima grins carefree like they're still fifteen and the whole world's a playground.


	7. Again

And then it seems like it's over, whatever-it-is, the weird night-time intimacies between them. 

And it's probably for the best. They have the spring tournament on, after all, and they need to win. Already it seems like the end of the year is pressing in close, and with that is the end of their high school careers, playing baseball together. It can't end without victory, everything they've all been hoping for. Abe and Mihashi, always the conductors of the team spirit, get really intense in a way none of them can pinpoint (except Tajima who just points and laughs). 

They lose in the deciding match for Koushien. A game they were sure they would win. A game they had no reason to lose. A game where nothing went wrong. They lose anyway. 

Is this as far as we can get, Hanai thinks, conscious as ever that he is their captain, that his limit is theirs. Is this our limit? He finds Tajima watching him, as if to see how he'll measure up.

Any normal team would be content with their success. Any normal team would be proud of how far they've gotten, from nothing to be being one of the big contenders in the prefecture. But it's almost the end of high school. They'll never play baseball together again, not with each other, not with Coach Momoe or Mr Shiga or Shino'oka. It's the second-years in the dugout who cry hardest of all, because they know they're the lucky ones.

But all Hanai can think is, it's not over, like this, it can't be. It can't end like this. Koushien. Still an unrealised dream after all these years.

 

 

 

Tajima walks Mihashi, who's a blubbering mess, all the way home, so Hanai is kind of forced to walk them both home, after failing to reassure Abe, who kind of looks like someone has dug a hole out of his heart. He'll never understand those two.

"I really thought we could win," Tajima says, the moment they're alone.

"Yeah." What else is there to say?

But then Tajima seems angry when they're on their own, sitting on the floor looking out of Hanai's one window. "You're just happy with it, then, are you?" Hanai suddenly sees that Tajima's on the verge of tears. Tajima, who never cries after a loss, just stares intensely at the diamond as if rehearsing every play in his head, as if vowing, next time, next time, faith unshaken.

"No," Hanai says. His voice comes out all shaky because Tajima's crawling towards him and then his face is getting closer. The kiss is awkward and salty, like a first kiss is supposed to be, except that it isn't their first kiss, or anywhere near it.

The sex ends up being… different. Tajima talks throughout, low enough not to alert anyone outside, Hanai's parents, or God forbid, his kid sisters. He talks about his plays, how he wanted to hit harder and he couldn't, how he could have stolen base but he got caught out, how he wanted to get on base and got caught out instead, every play, every fumble. And then he's talking about all of Hanai's plays, as if Hanai hasn't measured up to any of his expectations, or maybe that he's exceeded them like he's always afraid that Hanai would, he doesn't know. 

"I am terrified that you are going to take cleanup off me," Tajima mumbles into Hanai's collarbone.

"What--" They're too busy for talking after that.

It's weird. And intimate. Tajima on his back with Hanai all over him, bright red because this feels weird, it feels different. He can see every expression on Tajima's face now, freckled and sharp and bright-eyed on Hanai's pillow. Can see his fist around his dick, even though he doesn't really want to see that. The way Tajima's grits his teeth when Hanai gets inside of him, the way he seems to be in some pain, so Hanai goes a bit slower, but then Tajima meets his eyes (sending a jolt through every one of Hanai's synapses, just how long as he met one of Tajima's searing glances and been terrified down to his core?). 

Sex is weird. Hanai thinks this every time they do it (who else, it's not like Hanai's got a girlfriend tucked away somewhere, too busy with baseball for all his mother's teasing). There's the weird angles of arms and legs. There's the weird business of getting up and close with someone's hairy nether ends. There's the ache of joints after doing the same motion over and over again. The slipperiness and stickiness as you both get kind of sweaty and hoarse. The mess afterwards, gross and slimy when your brains no longer in an orgasmic rush to distract you from it.

Tajima mumbles. Tajima murmurs. Tajima moans, rhythmically, when Hanai hits a weird angle but apparently he likes it so Hanai keeps doing it, trying valiantly to make it last some, to not go from 'sort of turned on' to 'oh my god I'm coming' so fast, and failing as always. Tajima shakes and shakes. He's got a hand on Hanai's back and he's not afraid to use it, he pulls at Hanai like if Hanai stops he'll beat himself senseless. He's probably scratching Hanai's back up like crazy, not that either of them are noticing, not when it anchors their bodies just right and there's nothing else to think about. Tajima jerks himself off furiously until he's comes. Splatters himself with semen, all down his stomach where Hanai has him practically bent double, and Hanai feels kind of grossed out by the mess but also helplessly turned on by the arch of Tajima's body, the freckles on his arms, on his nose, his red-flushed face, his hair a wild mess, his hand on Hanai's neck, the whole deal right there. He loves coming. He loves coming.

The strange thing is that as soon as Hanai's done, Tajima pulls away, practically slithers off the bed. Runs to the bathroom, leaves Hanai there with a filled condom slipping off his dick. Comes back all showered in and wrapped in a towel (Hanai sort of registers that one of his towels covers practically all of Tajima like a shroud, but it's not something he'll ever be able to bring up for teasing, hey you remember that time after sex…). 

Doesn't do or say anything sexy to Hanai, sitting awkwardly on the bed in a pair of boxers. Lies down on the futon and goes right to sleep. Tajima has the ability to fall asleep like a light going out. Hanai stares at him for a while. He's actually, truly, honest-to-God, asleep, spread-eagled like a child.

"What," Hanai says, to the world at general. So, is it over, then?

But at the same time, it's like Tajima's done him a favour. They keep having sex and they haven't even talked about it once. It's not like Hanai ever wants to talk about it. That conversation would be… No. No, he definitely doesn't want to talk about it. So he, Hanai, rolls over and goes right to sleep listening to the faint sound of Tajima's snores.


	8. Koushien

Everyone is a wreck when they finally make it to Koushien, summer of their final year. And lose, just an inning off in the ninth inning. Good enough to do them proud, to make good on their hard work and promises. And still. All over. 

No more baseball, the team. It's all the real world now.


	9. Koshien, After

The next morning.

Tajima wakes up quickly like he always does. His back's sore because he's slept in a weird position, and also, because--woah. Okay. He sits up quickly, totally naked, and gapes down at Hanai, who's still passed out next to him on the bed. It's not quite sunrise yet, and they don't have practice today.

It all comes rushing back. The last game. Their senior year. Koushien, everything they'd been working so hard for. To lose by only a single run to ARC was the hardest thing to bear. The after-game meeting, then the early goodbye. Momoe gave the seniors -- the original eleven -- a heartfelt thanks. They left in tears, clutching each other. It hadn't been anyone's idea in particular, but they'd ended up at Mihashi's house, reminiscing over beer and pizza. Hanai was leaving early, a bit drunk maybe, still in tears, so-- Tajima followed.

He realises he's staring down at his hands. And… now? Looks back at Hanai, who's still cheerfully asleep. Also naked. Well, that happened, Tajima thinks, eyes linger on Hanai's naked body. He has a headache. He slips his clothes back on, trying to process what he's seeing here. There are several options here: the most obvious, to split. If this were some random girl, Tajima would be gone already. But it's his best friend. He could stay, they could talk about it, and Hanai would likely totally freak out. Tajima doesn't want that either. 

He's goes to the kitchen and drinks a glass of water, then washes himself down in the shower. Puts yesterday's clothes back on and, hair still wet, goes to wake up Hanai.

Hanai peers at him and groans, obviously nursing a huge hangover. "You need to have a shower," Tajima chants, rocking him back and forth with a foot. Hanai is heavy, so it takes some doing (Tajima notes in familiar envy). Hanai groans in confusion. "Also we had sex last night, but don't freak out about it, alright?"

Hanai looks at him blearily, then goes bright red and puts on some pants. "Seriously? You expect me not to freak out?"

Tajima shrugs. "Well, you could, but you don't have to. You could just… be cool. Frankly, the fact that we lost Koshien yesterday affects me more than the fact that we fucked last night."

"But I didn't… We haven't even talked about it. I wasn't planning on…" He's still bright red and he has a goofy expression on his face, but Hanai doesn’t look angry. Tajima is surprised at himself, he hadn't realised he was afraid of that. It's one thing to know that your best friend bats for both teams, Tajima reflects, it's another thing to actually take him home and screw him. "I'm not even…"

"You're not gay. I know." 

Hanai goes even redder. "I know I'm straight, okay? It's just… it was… I mean… I was drunk. Are you even okay? How can you be cool with this?"

Tajima grins. "What? I've had rougher, if that's what you're concerned about."

Hanai chokes on air. "IDIOT." But he falls silent, so Tajima sees that Hanai was actually concerned. "But that was…" Tajima grins, because Hanai's acting like Mihashi of all people.

"It was your first time? It doesn’t really count if it's not a girl, does it?" 

"It does too count," Hanai sighs. "But we really don't have time for this. I'll freak out later." Tajima nods.

 

 

Tajima doesn't want to say, it was going to happen all along, because that's not necessarily true. But there is that one evening, where Hanai interupts him in the middle of a great story about jerking off. 

"You're… into that kind of stuff?" Hanai looks at him (which from Tajima's point of view is as far away as the moon, the guy's so tall, now that they're in senior year and Tajima has hit his adult height but Hanai just seems determined to be Superman or something). "Isn't it a little… I dunno, gay?"

"It's all good to me," Tajima grins, and Hanai looks at him with a little moue of surprise. 

"I had no idea." Hanai looks pretty serious even though Tajima's kind of laughing at his goofy expression. "I mean… it's fine and all, I don't care," he adds hastily. "But I mean, have you ever… I mean, with a guy?" 

Tajima shakes his head. "Nope, just girls. So far." He grins evilly and Hanai goes bright red. 

"Girls? When? How?" He looks at Tajima like he's the insane.

"School trip, beach day, beach day, after a date," Tajima recites, counting off his fingers. "A date, another date, trip--"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Hanai looks annoyed. "Damn, seriously. I should've known, considering it's you. Dunno why I'm so surprised."

"Don't worry that you're still a virgin! You're a nice guy and you have a pretty hot body, so it won't be for long," Tajima continues cheerfully. Hanai splutters all over himself.

 

 

Because Hanai does have a nice body. He's all thick thighs and tanned abs and pecs and these amazing thick, ropey arms that now, in their senior year, hit reliable home runs. He's sweat at the back of a bare neck, and broad shoulders, and okay, yeah, sometimes Tajima can't get to the edge fast enough and he makes himself come just imagining climbing Hanai like a fucking beanpole.

 

 

The match against ARC starts off badly, and is an uphill battle from then on out. All of them are sweating with frustration, furious, unwilling to let three years of insane hard work come to nothing, determined to win. Mihashi's a distant figure high up on the mound, and Tajima can see him turn to look at the scoreboard looming up behind him. The Koshien scoreboard, the grass with its own broad texture, the huge stands, the screaming crowds, the dirt, the diamonds… All of it like everything they'd dreamed of. They're down to runs and it's the ninth inning, bottom of the lineup, and Mizutani pulls off a heroic hit and bats Hanai in for a run but the second run escapes them and the final out is called. 

He returns to the dugout to find Mihashi curled up double, bawling. Abe's crouched next to him, dirt-covered and sweaty with exhaustion and blurred eyes. Mihashi's apologising for allowing that last run, and Abe's sobbing, 'No, you were amazing, you always been amazing--' 

Tajima looks around. Their two second years are in hysterics, and the seniors are in each other arms, red-faced and crying. Even Coach Momoe is staring blindly out at the stands, her teeth gritted together as Shino'oka weeps silently next to her. Then he looks up and meets Hanai's gaze. There's something firm and determined about that gaze, on a face that's grown and adult and handsomer than ever, Hanai's determination that has led them with unerring accuracy to this very dugout, this stadium, Koshien. But even though he should be proud, Tajima can only feel crushed that they failed, and that it's over. It's a team failure but it's also a personal failure. He's the cleanup, isn't he? Hanai keeps staring at him and it's Tajima who looks away first.

"It was… a privilege to play with you, these last three years," Hanai says to him outside the stadium, waiting for the whole team to be showered and dressed. He looks like he's going to break back down into tears so Tajima doesn't do what he wants to do, which is scream and yell and declare that it's not over, it's not going to be over like this.

Tajima ducks his head. "You too. Thank you for leading us," all formal and polite, free of the mountains of rage, love or anger between them, three years of it. He looks away because Hanai's expression falls apart then, right there in public where anyone can see, and if Tajima has to watch he's gonna break down too, dammit.

 

 

The party at Mihashi's house is rambunctious and a little wild. Hanai catches him in a quiet moment outside in Mihashi's garden, the crickets buzzing, staring at Mihashi's home-made pitching target, lost in memories. 

"Are you leaving?" Tajima eyes up Hanai's sports bag, slung over one broad shoulder.

Hanai looks hesitant, eyeing up the front gate, his gaze sliding back to Tajima. He sighs and sits down next to him on the wet grass. "Yeah, soon. Tired."

Tajima eyes him up: sweaty, even for the heat, a flushed face, a certain swaying as he sits. "You're drunk," he grins. When Hanai tries to object--"Me too. Gotta be so I can stop thinking about it for a damn second." They had been so, so close to winning. Tajima's chest feels like a monster of bitterness about to tear through him.

Hanai looks beat down at that. "Yeah," he sighs. 

Tajima thinks, it's been three years, and fuck it. He's always been one for taking stupid risks. "Shall I come with you?" They stare at each other. Hanai's face flushes even further. There's two ways he can respond: sure, come home with me, or, you should stay here with everyone and enjoy yourself. It's a given that if this happens, it happens at Hanai's, where he has his own room and some modicum of privacy, and not Tajima's with his huge family and shared everything. 

Hanai just nods, not quite meeting his eyes. Tajima feels his pulse start to race, like it's the beginning of an at-bat.

 

 

 

They go straight to Hanai's room and Tajima flops on his bed, sighing. It's one of those unbearably hot, sticky summer evenings, and Tajima peels off layers of clothes, the feeling of slightly less hot air on his bare skin delicious every time. Hanai looks at him tensely but doesn't say anything.

"It's way too hot," Tajima murmurs. "You too." And so he ends up with Hanai, shirtless with his whole expanse of shoulders and chest muscles on display, hovering over him. He takes a minute just to look at him, mentally savouring the image, the way Hanai's hipbones poke out, firm and stretched over with muscles, the line of hair that trails down his pants, his thighs still in their white baseball uniform, the belt half undone. Fuck. He's wanted this forever, and never been allowed to. 

Once Hanai climbs on top of him and they kiss, everything goes by in a blur. Hanai's uncertain and follows Tajima's lead, but Tajima's so so turned on, by the weight of Hanai's body, the smell of his sweat, the hardness of his ass under Tajima's hands. He can't wait. He pulls Hanai out of his clothes, quicky, quickly, getting Hanai's pants off, and his dick, stiff and red already, out for Tajima to taste it, fuck, just as thick and meaty as he's been fantasising about all this time. Hanai moans softly and then immediately snaps his mouth shut and looks guilty, staring at the wall to his parents' bedroom.

Tajima grabs the lotion he already knows is on Hanai's nightstand and slicks up Hanai's cock. Hanai looks at him flushed and fierce and pins him into the bed, and Tajima's so turned on he can barely think, can't do anything except squirm under Hanai's firm grasp and reach back to grab Hanai's hip to align them together until Hanai gets it and steadies Tajima's hips with those hands of his and presses just right.

"Aah, come on," Tajima hisses, already fisting his cock, so fucking close. Hanai reaches over and pushes Tajima's head into the pillow so he can't talk. He groans into the pillow and cants his hips higher, thighs spread and waiting, press his ass against Hanai, and finally, finally, Hanai presses into him, and it's a tight fit, and Hanai can only get an inch in at first, his hands on Tajima shaking, and Tajima moans and presses him in further. And then Hanai goes on instinct and leans over him, firm, sweaty chest pressing down on Tajima's back, and cock shoving in further, splitting Tajima open and the pressure of Hanai's body, Hanai's dick, his smell and his hasty breath near Tajima's ear, the way his dick feels so fucking huge and perfect in Tajima, it's too much. Hanai pulls out a little and pushes back in, rocking into him, and Tajima gasps against the pillow, nods, anything to make Hanai do it again and again. Hanai pushes his head back into the pillow and starts fucking him properly, these tight hot thrusts into Tajima, like he can't control himself anymore and he's just going to take what he wants--Tajima jerks himself off like a wild man and comes on a particularly hard thrust, Hanai almost all the way inside, Tajima's body tight and wanting and hot around him.

Hanai just keeps on fucking him until he comes, and Tajima shudders until he's done. He's so exhausted he's not even awake when Hanai collapses beside him on the bed.

 

 

"What are you going to do? Apply for Waseda and Kodai?" They're biking to school for a team meeting, the final handover, both of them mostly silent and lost in their own thoughts.

"Yeah, scholarships. My grades suck too much," Tajima grins. "But hey, what are you going to do? Still want to eat from baseball?"

Hanai is quiet for a long time. "Yeah. I'm gonna try."

"Hey, man, you can't just try. It's all or nothing, you know?"

Hanai nods. "I know." But Tajima can already see the fear shuttering his expression: fear of success, fear of failure. And it's funny because Hanai's such a monster of a player, captain of a Koshien finalist team, he could get a sports scholarship wherever he wanted, if he wanted. If he really went for it. Tajima has this same weird, familiar feeling between terror and determination. 

"Well, then we're rivals for college places. Don't think I won't fight you." Hanai actually smiles at him for this, like he's crazy.

Good, Tajima thinks, good. And maybe he won't freak out about last night, either. Now that it's a fine summer morning, birds and clouds in the sky, crickets chirping a symphony, a fresh breeze, it seems like a good time to let go of the fear and just live.


	10. After

Hanai does well. Doesn't go professional in the end. Even he's not sure why. Maybe because of Tajima, in the end, Tajima who's always been effortlessly amazing, where it takes Hanai years of training to get to his level. Tajima gets scholarships to go to the best baseball programs in the league: clean-up at koshien, why wouldn't he. And everyone's so sure that Hanai will do the same, captain of a Koshien finalist team, all of it. Maybe after all this time, he's still in Tajima's shadow. He applies to college the usual way and gets a good degree in engineering, gets a job at a big company. A steady, ordinary life, but a pleasant one.

His first girlfriend at college is cute but they get bored of each other quickly. His second is wife material (not something he admits to anyone), hot, cute, a nice person. She's a virgin that first time. It is terrible that time, and it remains terrible after that. He's not sure why. Technically, he's a virgin too, except, well. He's not about to tell his girlfriend all of that. They drift apart at graduation, unwilling to dump each other but not thinking the relationship worth maintaining when they live their own separate lives. His mother rags on him endlessly for not calling the girl, God.

Three years later, and he wants to have kids. Wants to start a family, because well, he thinks he'll be a great dad. The next girl he dates is kind of obsessed with him and thinks he's the hottest thing ever, which is nice, even though she's not really his type. But you don't marry ridiculously sexy hot girls (unless you're Izumi, the player) anyway, and she is nice. And really into him. 

The sex is still bad. He still doesn't know why. Thinks, what if I'm gay, what if all that stuff with Tajima when we were kids fucked me up somehow. That doesn't happen, does it? He still likes girls. He still looks at girls all the time. He likes porn. He likes jerking off over girls. He's never once jerked off over a guy, never once looked twice at a guy like that, except that brief period of time just after high school when he was randomly really into guys' asses, not that he ever told anyone, and who would blame him, considering… well, Tajima. 

Tajima, who goes pro for one of the smaller but promising teams for an insane sum of money, plays a whole load of games, does great, gets himself injured out of the next season, plays just as well when he can play but keeps getting injured. It's weird to see his (former) best friend through newsprint and impersonal articles written with all kinds of bias, surface and downright speculation. He feels foreign, alien, like some celebrity Hanai's never even met, with his own crazy celebrity problems. Looks different in the photos. Nothing like that kid who'd strip off in the summer by the gate because it was too hot, without a care in the world that anyone off the street might see him.

"You should get back in touch with Tajima." This is Sakaeguchi, well-meaning meddler extraordinaire.

"Why."

"You guys were friends. I'm sure he misses you too." 

"He's way too famous to be bothering with me."

Sakaeguchi just grins. "He's not like that, though, you know? Anyway I called him." Hanai gapes at him. "He was… like a kid, it was hilarious. He hasn't changed. And he pretty much talked about you non-stop. And did you know he's still in touch with Mihashi too? And Abe, kind of."

Hanai sighs. Well, if the world world is in touch with Tajima Yuuichiro, then why can't he be, as well?

 

 

 

"So you're having problems with your sex life," Tajima announces.

Hanai goes red. "How did we even get onto this topic?" And it’s true, Hanai has spilled everything.

"And, well, I could offer you a fuck but really I think you just need a friend and maybe some solid sex advice." Tajima says this like he's ordering ramen off a menu, for God's sake. 

Hanai totally hasn't missed this. God. But what comes out of his mouth instead, is, "Thanks."


	11. Epilogue

"GUESS WHICH OF YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIENDS IS A HOMOSEXUAL???"

"You."

"Apart from me, come on guess it's hilarious--"

"Who?" Hanai asks suspiciously. He's a bit drunk already, comfortable in their same booth in their same old pub where they meet week after week, Tajima drinking only soda because HE'S A PRO BASEBALL PLAYER while Hanai tries not to get wasted by himself.

Hanai applies his brain to the issue at hand. Half of their friends are married now (and damn them, after Hanai's own rushed marriage and subsequent drawn-out divorce, they're still fighting over the furniture). Unless the person in question is married but secretly in the closet, in which case it could be anyone. But all his friends seem perfectly content to Hanai…

Apparently Tajima cannot hold it in any longer. "Number 2, catcher, Abe Takaya!"

Hanai's big secret is that he loves gossip. He gasps, crowding in. "You're joking."

"It's all true! I heard all about it from Ren! Takaya has a boyfriend now. They're living together, so you know it's for keeps. Apparently he likes them shy and retiring and he's constantly bossing the poor guy around." Tajima is wearing a shit-eating grin. "Who woulda thunk it?"

Hanai is going a bit green, but he can't help but laugh when Tajima starts cackling. "Did--Did Abe ever, you know, tell--"

"Tell Ren?" Tajima's smile lets off a bit. "Nah. Ren's got a one-track brain. Do you remember he used to have a thing for nurses in high school? And now he's married to that Ayoka girl of his! And they met because she was treating his leg that time. Seriously? He has no creativity," Tajima shakes his head as if this is some great loss, but he's proud of his little protégé anyway, which makes Hanai laugh at him, kind of. All his friends are idiots.

"Well, here's to Abe. If he can find someone to tolerate his madness, there's hope for everybody," Hanai says prosaically and downs the rest of his beer. 

 

 

"We're getting old, aren't we?" Yuuichiro says this like it's only just occurred to him. They're sitting at the bleachers at a high school game, two teams from schools that weren't even around when the two of them were in high school. The wild pitcher's making a mess but getting quite a few outs from sheer determination. Some stories don't change, or maybe when you're this old, you've just seen enough to tell.

They're seventy. They've gone past getting old and are firmly graduated old-timers. That's sixty-five years of friendship. Sixty-five years of the world changing like crazy until Hanai doesn't recognise it anymore. Sixty-five years of Yuuichiro getting on fine in this new world with its automation and mechanisation, gay marriage and trans marriage and dog and cat marriage for all Hanai knows, Yuuichiro laughing at him and telling him to get a grip, Yuuichiro crying at funerals with him, Yuuichiro giving him weird, weird advice. And Hanai still doesn't get this guy. 

"Don't die before me, okay? I'm shitty at making speeches."

"You're an idiot," Hanai sighs, for maybe the billionth time in their long, long (maybe too long…) friendship.

"Hey, that's what I'm saying!" The opposing leadoff gets a home run off the wild pitcher, who promptly has the expected breakdown on the mound. "Kids these days," Yuuichiro sighs. They watch the catcher hastily gesturing at the pitcher on the mound. "All that high tech training and the supplements and the machines and the robots, and look at them! They're all lazy now."

Half the fielders crowd around the pitcher, presumably shouting naïve words of encouragement. "You even sound like an old-timer, geez."

"You did a good job at Maria's funeral," Yuuchiro points out, out of the blue. "Brought everyone to tears, that one. Care to cook up something like that for me?"

"Is that what brought this up?" Hanai grouches. Momoe's funeral was, like, a decade ago at least. Now there was a woman who could keep Yuuichiro in line, God. "I'll probably be long gone by the time your turn comes, you old fuck. Didn't your grandpa live til he was, like, a hundred?"

Tajima glares at him, all wrinkly now like a tiny little bear. "HEY! I already told you I'm dying first. I already called that shit!"

"You're an idiot." A billion and one. "Let's just watch the game." Has it been a good life? He thinks. It has. It's been a good life. Not the life he necessarily would have planned out if he'd been planning the whole thing himself, but that's not how life works, he supposes. Still. A good life. Plenty of regrets, plenty of good moments too. Hanai's staring at Yuuichirou and he totally misses whatever play it is that makes Yuuichirou swear loudly, drawing the ire of the young mothers sitting in front of them.

Back to the game, Hanai thinks.


End file.
